today im trying to keep my head up. its pretty fucking difficult though.. im just feeling un noticed in every aspect. i wish people could pick up on the little things. i wish shit was easier. i wish people cared. its not like im asking to be the center of attention, im just asking to be included.
i didnt know the game we were playing even had a set of rules.
im tired of complaining. and im bored as fuck. everyones getting h i g h , and im just really sleepy/ lonely. bitch bitch bitch atleastiknowimbitching.
i want you to be the one to pick me up every time you give me a hug.
i want you to do things for me just to make me smile.
i want you to express yourself to me through your musical talents and ambitions.
i want you to take control every time you feel like holding back.
i want you to trust me to take care of you to the best of my ability.
i want you to have fun with me and laugh everyday we’re together.
solve arguments with sex, say things that make me want to punch you but at the same time make me think “goddammit, i love you..”, don’t ask permission, never get short with me, always make time for me, and never, never forget about the little things.
today went really well. had a great girls night with Ashley. i spent like 50$ on Issac. he’ssoooooospoiled. :)
i’m missing you, and you wanna sleep. which i can understand, seeing as we didn’t go to bed till 6:30 this morning. ;)
looking forward to tomorrow. and hoping some of this sadness will go the fuck away. i don’t even understand why i care, and its not like i care a shit ton, its just bothering me. i guess your body keeps loving even after its over.
last night was one of the best ive had in a while. thanks to ashley. :) i tattooed myself, had a great conversation with you, and have a pretty clear head today. well, as clear as it can be.. :/ i wish making yourself happy was easier.. you would think it would be simple, and yet its easier said than done.
drinking tonight with jawsh. i hope its just me, him, and his friends.
on a better note, bonnaroo in 29 days, orlando/beach trip with ashley in july, and Vegas trip in feb (happy 21st for meh!)
at 1:12 am I drove past the exit I knew would lead me to your house. A wave of discontent and and an immediate depressive state swept through me. The gps in my lap set a sickly blue stage light on my face, and it was obvious to the other passenger that I was upset. Fuck, I’m sure other drivers could see it. When I got home, I was greeted by feelings I haven’t felt since I left Jon. I had two terrible dreams last night. One about you, and one about hitler. Both of which have made my morning terrible. Oh, and Isaac shit everywhere. That didn’t help. But what I’m getting at is today, I’m not alright. :/
It feels good to have mostly fixed things. And I don’t regret one second of it. Actually, I loved all of it. Late nights that faded into days, when hours became irrelevant and there was only light and dark.. smoking and laughing at our retarded animals, and sneaking into that pool, Those are just a few of the amazing memories I have with you. I don’t even care about holding your hand, because if I could come over right now and just hang out with someone’s who knows me like you do, and get over the initial awkwardness of our current situation, I’m sure I’d feel right at home. I don’t think we destroyed anything, I think we created something worth remembering and looking forward to. Thank you for your effort and interest in me, even though it was so easy I’m sure you didn’t even have to try.
It’s been a long day living with this,
It’s been a long time since I felt so sick. I took a long walk straight back home, i could’ve walked back to San Francisco. I used to long for time alone, i used to long for a place of my own. Now I’m losing faith in everything
I’m lost, so lost, i’m lost at sea, you’ll see.
I used to long for broken bones, i used to long for a casket to call my own.
I never had a problem facing fear, but I’m done, over and out my dear.
But oh mercy me, god bless catastrophe. there’s no way in hell we’ll ever live to see through this. So drive yourself insane tonight, it’s not that far away, and it’s been a long time since I’ve lost faith in everything. I’m lost, so lost, I’m lost without you.
And I claim I’m not excited with my life any more, so I blame this town, this job, these friends, but the truth is it’s myself. And I’m trying to understand myself and pinpoint where i am, but when I finally get it figured out,
I’ve change the whole damn plan. Noose tied myself in, and I’ve tied myself too tight. Im talking shit about a pretty sunset, blanketing opinions that I’ll probably regret soon. Ive changed my mind so much I cant even trust it, my mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself.
That i never meant to cause you pain, I never thought I’d be the one who took the fall. I got lost in the moment,
Assholes like to test the limit..
The look on you is killing me, and I’m drowning in shame. But don’t feel bad, because I never feared consequences.
Hate regrets more than apologies.
What to do anymore. Seeing Kyle like this really hurts me. But I don’t want anyone.. I wanna go on my own. Make my own path. Do more than one great thing in my life. And I’m not sorry about hurting anyone, because I want to go back to my old self. The one who lives recklessly and acts on impulse, and this is phase one.. I’m tired of living every single day trying to be a “good girlfriend”. I wanna live everyday easy, and for nobody but myself. I’m done making decisions for two people. I’ve been doing it since I was 15 and haven’t been single since. Not even one day. And it’s not like I didn’t warn you guys about my “cold feet-commitment- issues”
It was bound to happen eventually..
I wanna be free to do what ever I want, and only I can make this decision, but I didn’t know it could be so hard…